Mind control (a.k.a I lost track of numbering the letters)

Dear Paul,

It’s been a while.

Sorry I haven’t written…it’s been pretty hectic around here. Also I just wasn’t sure if my heart was in it. I’m still not sure if it is…but I went and told one person the theory so now I have to at least try. Oh the theory. You know…where is one person is enjoying what you write then you have a reason to keep writing.

So here goes.

Paul…I shit you not…I think I can control people with my mind. It’s not all the time and I think it has to be subconcious, because if I think about doing it then I can’t do it.

It may just be people surprising me and doing what I don’t expect them to do…but let me explain the examples for you.

Example #1–
I’m at work at the golf course…slinging beer. My usual hobby. A guy comes in and orders a couple of 6-packs and a candy bar. Now the usual custom would be to generously tip the person who slings your beer. We make all of our money with drinkers…period. So I set up two coolers, ice them, and deliver in a timely manner. The guy pays me and walks out. In my head I think, “you could have left a tip…” — five seconds later the guy walks back in, looks at me, says, “That was really stingy of me” and tosses a couple bucks in our jar. I had to ask my co-worker if I had accidentally said my thought out loud. She confirmed that I had in fact thought my thought and that it must have just been a coincidence.

Okay. I’m willing to pass that off as a coincidence.

Example #2–
Again, I am at work. (When am I not?) There is a new guy who has officially worked two days who I have not “officially” met yet. We’ve seen each other, waved and said hello…but not introduced ourselves. So he comes in on a weekday morning, asks me if I’ve seen Jim, I say no, he walks out. I think to myself, “nice to meet you” — five seconds later he walks back in and says, “Oh by the way, I’m Michael.”

???COINCIDENCE???

Example #3–
I am at my photography class. Last week I let a girl borrow a roll of film because she had neglected to bring any of her own. I had pretty much convinced myself she would not be replacing the roll. Today when I see here I think, “I wonder if I can will her to give me back my film?” –nothing happens. And then I stopped thinking about it. I turned around to have a conversation with another student and when I turned back around she was handing me a roll of film.

So have I just lost all faith in humans and think when they actually do something nice or good or right that I am controlling them with my mind?? Because that might just be what I just tried to explain.

And that might mean that I have serious issues with humanity.

But if I really have this power…did it just recently develop? And for what does it work? I mean could I wish to win the lottery? Could I wish to have a gorgeous, kind, sexually impressive, and musically inclined man walk into my bedroom right this second?

If I really had that power then I could wish a lot of things better. Like my failed photography project that got botched this evening, or my failed relationship, or my failure being cool around guys, or my failure at ever telling you how I feel, or my failure to ever do a lot of things I’ve wanted.

That’s another thing. I’m sick of feeling regret.

I don’t regret the break-up. Not for a second. Don’t get me wrong…I miss him, I miss the time we spent together. The reason I didn’t cry when we broke up…I cried through the whole relationship. It was fun, but it’s over. It’s just different to be single again.

But I regret never telling you how I felt. And I regret not doing the things I wanted with…let’s call him Alfred…when I had the chance. Now that seems lost and distant. And I regret not ever being with…let’s call him Spike…when it would have been so easy.

And why do I have to call them by these god-awful pseudonyms?? Well because I cling to the lost opportunities so much that there is the tiniest chance they might actually read this…

I digress…

No more regrets Paul. I know I said that in my letter to you. But I have to really make it happen now. Now that I’m so sure there is no god or heaven and that this is all I have…I’m sick of wasting it. I wouldn’t say I wasted a year and a half with the ex…but there is so much I could have done differently. There are so many opportunities I’ve wasted. NO MORE. If I have a chance to be happy I will take it. As often as I can make myself happy as long as I am not making someone else really unhappy…but…well…then I can’t ALWAYS think about other people…can I?

I think I’ve rambled a bit for tonight. I think my one reader should have plenty to chew on…

Oh and Paul…I do miss you. I know all I have to do is go to the mall to see you…but…that only hurts. I only walk in and browse the DVDs and walk back out again…

I’ll never tell you now.

That’s one regret I’ll have to let slide.

Yours Always,

Katie

History 3 (Paul)

So Bronson ditched me after he said he’d come to Victory Stadium. Oh well. Left my car at Mill Mtn. and then when I went to get it I had to pee really badly. The only place on the strip still open was Blockbuster. So I went in and lo and behold…Paul was working. He let me use the employee restroom. Heh. He’s so cute.

Maybe one of these days I can convince myself to say more to him than “Hey. Can you help me find “Mystery Science Theatre 3000?” (Which he bought, by the way! He said no one ever rented it so he bought it. I rented it!)

Letter 1 (Ryan)

Dear Ryan,

You are the great outdoorsman.

I wanted to tell you about the smallness of me.

Floating in a river…the mountains climbing up on either side. Just floating.

How small are we?

We float a small stretch of river…a river that opens into a bay, into the ocean, that connects to all the other oceans.

I am so small.

Do I make any difference in this fucked up, godless world?

What does it all mean? The world so big and my cares and my feelings so fucking small.

Yesterday at lunch, a friend said…fitting the giant river of me through the diameter of a garden hose. Won’t work, won’t fit. DOES NOT COMPUTE.

So much feeling. No where to put it.

I think I overloaded him with feeling.

Maybe you too.

Did I ever overload you with feeling?

I have to think about this.

Your Small Friend,

Katie

Photograph 1

 

Highway Frisbee

 

Waiting on the World to Change...or the traffic...

Letter 5

Dear Paul,

Did you know that when cars pile up on 64 West and cars are stuck for miles, but your car is in sight of the beginning of the accident, but there seems to be no chance of moving anytime soon….did you know that people will take to playing frisbee in the middle of the highway?

I actually found this rather disturbing.

They are actually playing in the lanes of oncoming traffic…only there isn’t any oncoming traffic….and I’m not sure why.

But doesn’t that bother anyone else.

Little kids playing in the empty lanes of I-64.

Fat ladies walking across the empty lanes and borrowing napkins from other cars so they can go piss in the woods on the other side of the highway.

It’s all pretty fucking weird if you ask me.

And I do have to pee too. 

It almost looks like a tailgate party before a sporting event. People with loaded trunks, playing frisbee, car doors strewn open….the only thing missing is the fucking beer and hot dogs.

I guess I was actually hoping we might make good time to Ohio.

We’re not even half way.

Katie

History 1 (Ryan)

First kisses…

8/11/2003

So yesterday I knew it was coming. I had said to Tony the night before, “He WILL kiss me tomorrow.” And he did. I kind of made sure it happened though, by taking him lots of places I knew he’d love.

First we went to this place in Eagle Rock that our friends own that they call San Antone. We went to this little bridge and played in the creek a little bit.

After we had spent about an hour there we went to Allison’s pool party. So he got to meet some new people. Yay! Then we had dinner with mom and watched a movie.

After the movie we ran out of things to do, so mom took us to this place called Woodpecker Ridge, where she’s been meaning to take me for years, but somehow never got around to it until last night. But it was AMAZING. It’s this giant garden, privately owned, but people are allowed to just go and walk around up there. There are all these trails, and a bog, and observation towers. It’s so cool.

So after my mom left he kinda kissed me there, it was sort of half assed though. Then we went to the Williamsons and hung out with Corrie and Jason. While they were on the top bunk doing whatever, he definately kissed me there, several times. Then when I took him home he kissed me once, and then almost got out of the car, stopped, turned back and REALLY kissed me. (Heh. You know what I mean.) And obviously, my first time I can’t expect to be a master of it, but it felt good to me. Tehe. Now I can quit bitching to Tanner. Hehe.

Letter 4

Dear Paul,

I think I’ve posted this one before.

But just in case you forgot…

Think about it.

Jason Mraz says something really insightful before the song. He says: “It’s a song in case you’re being stalked by anyone and you just want them to go away. And go away doesn’t really work. There was a comedian that once said, ‘Fuck off.’ And I would use something different…if something meant the same. Because go away certain to hell doesn’t mean the same. So this is a fuck off song.”

it’s something like i apologize
it’s something i still can’t decide
but i know it gets better
it only gets better

and i want to say that it’s not always easy
but it’s simple that way
and i want to stay and play it out
but i still have my doubts
so you say it gets better
it only gets better
better this way
better, maybe it’s better this way

beautiful things they never stay, oh, the same way
they pass, oh they pass away, they always change
who are we is who we are
when the act of love can get us so far
so good i wish you would
think twice on me
cuz it only gets better

it only gets better
better this way
better, maybe it’s better this way
just give it some time
just give it some space
just give it some time, maybe it’s better this way
just give it some time
just give it some space
just give it some time, maybe it’s better this way

so better
it’s better this way
baby, it’s better this way
just give it some time
just give it some space
maybe, yes maybe, yes maybe, yes maybe
it’s better, oh, this way
promise me you’ll always be better
better

 

So there, Paul. It does get better. Even if you get told to fuck off. Which is sort of what it feels like, and doesn’t at the same time. Does that make sense? It’s over, but it’s not. Because we’re going to try to be friends. 

Who are we? Jesus, Paul…I don’t know. But I know it gets better for people like you and me. People who dream big and stay home. Ha. I don’t know what we are, Paul. It’s…

I do feel better. Already I feel better.

Yours,

Katie

Letter 3

Paul Paul Paul,

My boyfriend wants to break up with me. You wouldn’t ever break up with me would you? Well…if we had ever actually been together, or had in depth conversations….

But my boyfriend has wanted to break up with me for months, I’d say.

But he’s been to chicken.

Here is what I think: He was waiting for me to leave for New York so that he could use the distance as an excuse and break it off. And now…now that I am back he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, but doesn’t have a good excuse to break it off, and is too chicken to just say, “I don’t want to be with you.”

But he is sending me so many mixed signals that I really have no idea what is happening.

But I think maybe we’ll break up.

On one hand I want to break up. I haven’t been truly happy with him for months….I’m really almost just putting up with him.

On the other hand I am really sad to think it will just be over and all the time we spent will just be a memory. Some good memories, some not so good. But nearly a year and a half worth of memories…

Paul–it’s cliche…but breaking up is so hard to do. It’s one thing if it ends in a huge fight with lots of screaming and fighting. But it’s very different when both parties still have feelings, but just think it’s best, and everything just fizzles out.

Fizzling out. That is exactly what is happening between us right now.

We haven’t officially broken up yet, of course. But we are supposed to “talk” tonight. And I think we both have a good idea of what it is we’re talking about. 

But Paul, I’ve never understood what I am supposed to do with all of the pictures, letters, cds, and gifts…what do I do with them? And the memories…how do I get rid of those?

And most of all…my time. What do I do with my time now? For the past year and a half this guy…this person has become my best friend. We see each other nearly every day. We talk all the time. We have loads of sex.

Who will I spend my time with, talk to, have sex with if not him? 

I guess that is the part where I have to “get back out there” and find one of the other “fishes” in the sea.

But that sounds like an awful lot of work, doesn’t?

Is that why you got married, Paul?

Did she like you more than you liked her, but you didn’t want to bother with breaking up with her, or the loneliness that comes afterward?

I admit, I didn’t come back from New York because of him, but I had kind of counted on him being here with me. 

I am still happy I didn’t go to New York, but this certainly changes things.

Paul.

Paul, what do I do now?

We haven’t even ended it yet, and I am already looking for what to do after it’s over. That can’t be a good sign.

I miss him already and he’s not even gone yet.

I guess maybe I’ve been missing him for months.

Paul–do you think if you had known how I felt it would have offered you another option, a way out, a different path?

Or would you still have picked her?

Yours,

Katie

History 2

Haaa…okay. Derick is so gay. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before now. Maybe it’s because I’m used to homosexual guys being really sweet and sensitive all the time, and Derick has this really nasty side. But anyways, this obviously upsets me because i genuinely had a little crush on him. Curses! Foiled again!

I need someone I actually know to fill this little void. Why is it that the guy who works at Blockbuster is becoming cuter and cuter each time I see him? He’s the tall one with the reddish brown hair, glasses and freckles. I can’t figure out if he’s the ugliest guy in the world or the cutest. It’s close. Paul…I think that’s what his name is. Paul. Heh. Well, if he turns out to be gay I’m just gonna shoot myself in the foot and bleed to death.

Parents friends are in from Ohio and they brought the kids with them. I will spend the day with them and then go to Claire’s camp out later tonight. That will be interesting. Will probably write later.

Letter 2

Dear Paul,

My cousin, the one I was supposed to move in with but now I’m not…that one, yeah. So my cousin and I were talking. My cousin and I decided on this great approach to life. I think it’s really going to work. Let me know what you think…

Make a list.

Make a list of all the things you want to do with your life.

But it can’t be in an order.

And then in whatever order you get to them…start crossing them off.

Move to New York…ehhhh…can’t check that one off YET.

London, Dublin. Two places I want to live.

Work in a bar.

Get my masters and PhD ….not now.

Publish something.

You know…

the list goes on.

But I remember you once told me, thought you probably don’t remember…you once told me you were afraid of growing up. This is now 4 or 5 years ago. You were 24. Afraid of growing up.

Here I am…22. I’m not so much afraid of growing up as I am afraid of not finishing my list.

But I’m too young to worry about that. Right?

You told me once Paul…when I asked what you wanted to do…you told me you would like to be a film critic. With such a clear idea of what you want to be I wonder why you are still working at a CD shop in the mall. I wonder what you’re waiting for.

That’s not what I want.

And that’s what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid of taking so much time off to figure out what I want in life that I forget to live life.

And Paul, I haven’t even started unpacking my things yet. I hadn’t gotten too far thank goodness, but I have about 5 boxes that need to be completely unpacked. Ah, it’s a little nerve racking. Not that I regret my decision, but something about unpacking seems like I have given up. So maybe I’ll just leave everything done up….as a reminder that I need to move sooner rather than later.

I signed up for a photography class.

And my grandfather called. He never calls. I assume it means he’s worried about me. Worried that I’ve made the wrong decision…he’s probably not worried about the fact that he missed my birthday. 

Unpacking my things isn’t on my list right now. 

I think we’ll make it, Paul. I really do.

We can take all the time we need.

Yours,

Katie