It’s been a while.
Sorry I haven’t written…it’s been pretty hectic around here. Also I just wasn’t sure if my heart was in it. I’m still not sure if it is…but I went and told one person the theory so now I have to at least try. Oh the theory. You know…where is one person is enjoying what you write then you have a reason to keep writing.
So here goes.
Paul…I shit you not…I think I can control people with my mind. It’s not all the time and I think it has to be subconcious, because if I think about doing it then I can’t do it.
It may just be people surprising me and doing what I don’t expect them to do…but let me explain the examples for you.
I’m at work at the golf course…slinging beer. My usual hobby. A guy comes in and orders a couple of 6-packs and a candy bar. Now the usual custom would be to generously tip the person who slings your beer. We make all of our money with drinkers…period. So I set up two coolers, ice them, and deliver in a timely manner. The guy pays me and walks out. In my head I think, “you could have left a tip…” — five seconds later the guy walks back in, looks at me, says, “That was really stingy of me” and tosses a couple bucks in our jar. I had to ask my co-worker if I had accidentally said my thought out loud. She confirmed that I had in fact thought my thought and that it must have just been a coincidence.
Okay. I’m willing to pass that off as a coincidence.
Again, I am at work. (When am I not?) There is a new guy who has officially worked two days who I have not “officially” met yet. We’ve seen each other, waved and said hello…but not introduced ourselves. So he comes in on a weekday morning, asks me if I’ve seen Jim, I say no, he walks out. I think to myself, “nice to meet you” — five seconds later he walks back in and says, “Oh by the way, I’m Michael.”
I am at my photography class. Last week I let a girl borrow a roll of film because she had neglected to bring any of her own. I had pretty much convinced myself she would not be replacing the roll. Today when I see here I think, “I wonder if I can will her to give me back my film?” –nothing happens. And then I stopped thinking about it. I turned around to have a conversation with another student and when I turned back around she was handing me a roll of film.
So have I just lost all faith in humans and think when they actually do something nice or good or right that I am controlling them with my mind?? Because that might just be what I just tried to explain.
And that might mean that I have serious issues with humanity.
But if I really have this power…did it just recently develop? And for what does it work? I mean could I wish to win the lottery? Could I wish to have a gorgeous, kind, sexually impressive, and musically inclined man walk into my bedroom right this second?
If I really had that power then I could wish a lot of things better. Like my failed photography project that got botched this evening, or my failed relationship, or my failure being cool around guys, or my failure at ever telling you how I feel, or my failure to ever do a lot of things I’ve wanted.
That’s another thing. I’m sick of feeling regret.
I don’t regret the break-up. Not for a second. Don’t get me wrong…I miss him, I miss the time we spent together. The reason I didn’t cry when we broke up…I cried through the whole relationship. It was fun, but it’s over. It’s just different to be single again.
But I regret never telling you how I felt. And I regret not doing the things I wanted with…let’s call him Alfred…when I had the chance. Now that seems lost and distant. And I regret not ever being with…let’s call him Spike…when it would have been so easy.
And why do I have to call them by these god-awful pseudonyms?? Well because I cling to the lost opportunities so much that there is the tiniest chance they might actually read this…
No more regrets Paul. I know I said that in my letter to you. But I have to really make it happen now. Now that I’m so sure there is no god or heaven and that this is all I have…I’m sick of wasting it. I wouldn’t say I wasted a year and a half with the ex…but there is so much I could have done differently. There are so many opportunities I’ve wasted. NO MORE. If I have a chance to be happy I will take it. As often as I can make myself happy as long as I am not making someone else really unhappy…but…well…then I can’t ALWAYS think about other people…can I?
I think I’ve rambled a bit for tonight. I think my one reader should have plenty to chew on…
Oh and Paul…I do miss you. I know all I have to do is go to the mall to see you…but…that only hurts. I only walk in and browse the DVDs and walk back out again…
I’ll never tell you now.
That’s one regret I’ll have to let slide.