Letter 3
Paul Paul Paul,
My boyfriend wants to break up with me. You wouldn’t ever break up with me would you? Well…if we had ever actually been together, or had in depth conversations….
But my boyfriend has wanted to break up with me for months, I’d say.
But he’s been to chicken.
Here is what I think: He was waiting for me to leave for New York so that he could use the distance as an excuse and break it off. And now…now that I am back he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, but doesn’t have a good excuse to break it off, and is too chicken to just say, “I don’t want to be with you.”
But he is sending me so many mixed signals that I really have no idea what is happening.
But I think maybe we’ll break up.
On one hand I want to break up. I haven’t been truly happy with him for months….I’m really almost just putting up with him.
On the other hand I am really sad to think it will just be over and all the time we spent will just be a memory. Some good memories, some not so good. But nearly a year and a half worth of memories…
Paul–it’s cliche…but breaking up is so hard to do. It’s one thing if it ends in a huge fight with lots of screaming and fighting. But it’s very different when both parties still have feelings, but just think it’s best, and everything just fizzles out.
Fizzling out. That is exactly what is happening between us right now.
We haven’t officially broken up yet, of course. But we are supposed to “talk” tonight. And I think we both have a good idea of what it is we’re talking about.
But Paul, I’ve never understood what I am supposed to do with all of the pictures, letters, cds, and gifts…what do I do with them? And the memories…how do I get rid of those?
And most of all…my time. What do I do with my time now? For the past year and a half this guy…this person has become my best friend. We see each other nearly every day. We talk all the time. We have loads of sex.
Who will I spend my time with, talk to, have sex with if not him?
I guess that is the part where I have to “get back out there” and find one of the other “fishes” in the sea.
But that sounds like an awful lot of work, doesn’t?
Is that why you got married, Paul?
Did she like you more than you liked her, but you didn’t want to bother with breaking up with her, or the loneliness that comes afterward?
I admit, I didn’t come back from New York because of him, but I had kind of counted on him being here with me.
I am still happy I didn’t go to New York, but this certainly changes things.
Paul.
Paul, what do I do now?
We haven’t even ended it yet, and I am already looking for what to do after it’s over. That can’t be a good sign.
I miss him already and he’s not even gone yet.
I guess maybe I’ve been missing him for months.
Paul–do you think if you had known how I felt it would have offered you another option, a way out, a different path?
Or would you still have picked her?
Yours,
Katie
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