Letter 1

Dear Paul,

Today I dropped out of NYU. I dropped out before I even started. It’s July 22 and classes don’t start until September 2. Well, for me they don’t start at all anymore. So I dropped out of NYU and am going to live at home for another year. 

You see I graduated from college in May. And all through my last year of college I applied to graduate programs. Wait, it begins before that. All through my sophomore and junior years of college I couldn’t figure out what the hell I wanted to do. So first I transferred from one school to another, changed my major, and studied abroad. Yeah. So then when I still couldn’t decide what an English/Theatre major with a love of film, music, knitting, and sex was going to do for a job…well I thought…more school will do the trick.

Only problem was I guess I thought I wanted to teach.

And maybe I do.

But not today.

So today I took my dual teacher certification program in Educational Theatre and English Education and through it out the window….flushed it down the toilet…left it in the gutter.

And then when I was done demolishing a year’s worth of hard work, hundreds of dollars in application fees, non-refundable deposits, gas money to get here to look for an impossible apartment….I went for coffee.

And then I started listening to Coldplay. 

And while I listened to Coldplay I made a list of all the things I want to do this year…this year while I take a “Leave of Absence” from NYU. And then when I had made my list I realized that what I really wanted to do was write. And I thought of you.

I thought of you and how I used to feel about you. And I thought about how when you finally disappeared it was to do the things with your life you had always dreamed. And I thought about how I saw you working in the mall a couple of weeks ago. 

I thought about how that was the first time I had seen you since I was 17 years old. And I’ve changed.

I think I’ve changed.

But then I thought about how even though I want to write…

No matter how fucking hard I try to write…

It starts and ends with an undelivered letter. An undelivered confession. An undelivered profession of love…to an engaged man. 

And so I thought to myself, “Self, why not write to Paul?” 

Because Paul, I could always tell you things I could never tell anyone else. I could always tell you because I never told you. Didn’t tell you my name or who I was or how I felt or why it mattered. Never told you about the hundreds of journal entries, the poems, the songs…

So you’re an easy audience. Because to you, I don’t exist.

And to me, your existence is essential without meaning a goddamn thing.

You’re like my muse. All floaty and unreal and mystical. And I can’t write a thing until I yell some pretty words at you and then it all comes out. It all comes out like I’ve been wanting to write this way everyday since I stopped writing and I forgot how because I forgot to put your name in front of it. And now like magic I sit down to write a letter and I write it all.

Easy.

Right?

So I dropped out of NYU before I started and Mom and Dad say they support me no matter what, but I can hear the disappointment in their voices. And since I’m still here, sitting in Starbucks, writing to you, I haven’t had to look them in the face yet. 

And then there are all the friends, family, and mentors who will find out. 

But Paul…I’m not scared and I’m not ashamed.

I made a list!! I made a list of what I want to do! 

I took it all back. All the doubts and fears and second thoughts I’ve had over the past 6-8 months….I acted on them! I took it all back. I unregistered for classes, I cancelled all my loans and I left my dead-end search for an apartment right where it fucking landed.

So now…I have a chance. I have a chance to figure it all out. To do it right this time. I have a chance to apply to the programs I want, I have a chance to learn how to be a bartender or to take a photography class or a journalism class or marry my boyfriend.

And the best part. NYU will still be there when I’m done.

Remember? 

It’s just a “Leave of Absence.”

Right?

Sincerely,

Katie

Fix You – Coldplay
When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse? 

Lights will guide you home, 
And ignite your bones, 
And I will try to fix you, 

High up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I 

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

~ by kjmitchell715 on July 22, 2008.