History 1
Paul,
I must have been over this letter a hundred times in my head, but I never really thought about how I’d start it. How do you start a letter like this? I figured the hardest part was actually mustering up the strength to write it at all. I guess I should reveal my purpose here. I had to say something. I hope you’ll understand. It’s not that I’m expecting anything to be done or said afterward, but you see I have to say something or I’ll regret it forever. I happen to believe that one should try very hard to regret nothing in life. But if I let this go, it would, I’m sure, haunt me forever. So you see, this is why I’m writing this letter.
What is it that I need to say then? Okay, here it is. I’m very much attached to you, despite the truth of the matter; that you may not even know my name. I’m quite infatuated with you, regardless of the fact that you barely know I exist. I am, in spite of myself, in love with everything about you, notwithstanding the reality of the situation; you being engaged that is. I have been, for exactly one year and two months, completely and utterly infatuated with you. For all but one month of that time, I have known all too well that you are engaged. You see, I could never have done this face to face. I was so afraid of one possible reaction that I convinced myself that a letter would spare me much of the trouble and heartache. You see, I wasn’t afraid that you’d laugh at me, or that you’d look at me funny, and I certainly wasn’t afraid of you telling me you felt the same. I wasn’t even afraid of you looking at me and saying honestly that you are happy and in love with the woman you are engaged to. What I was afraid of was confessing these things to you, and watching you not say a word. Having you watch me walk away without saying anything.
Why is there such urgency in telling you these things? As you may or may not remember from any of the various conversations we’ve had randomly in Blockbuster, I am going away to school in New York City. I heard from another Blockbuster employee that you are getting married in November. Since I don’t come home until Thanksgiving, you would already be married by the time I came home. And while it wasn’t life or death, I felt it was more appropriate now, than it would be then.
You probably think I’m crazy, and truthfully, this is the craziest thing I’ve ever done.. But I wanted to make sure you knew. Before you take your final vow and before it is too late, I wanted to know that you are truly happy. Honestly, that was the only thing I ever wanted. I keep this diary, and well I wrote about you a lot. Anyway, this is part of an entry that I wrote about you. I thought maybe you’d be interested. The song I’m referring to is “California” By Phantom Planet.
“Now more than ever I think I’ll always think of Paul when I hear this.
I had somehow always connected it to him anyways…now I think when I hear
the song I’ll just close my eyes and imagine the two of us in his green sephia
with the rgue ldr license plates and the windows down and the two of
us happy doing whatever it is we want to do…never settling for second
best…god I hope he never does…settle for second best–I want him
to be so happy.” 6/18/04
So, there it is. My wish for you. To be happy, to find a career that pleases you wholly, to never settle for second best, to never ever grow up…no mater what…even when you’re married. It seems a lot easier to pull random entries from my diary than it is actually write this letter. So here’s another one that sums up what I’m trying to say right now.
“Allison told me I need to just tell him how I feel about him. Maybe she’s right…but let’s think about this situation for a second. I go in to Blockbuster…or Movie Starz where ever it is where I end up doing it…and I walk up to him. ”Hey, Paul. I’m not even 100% sure that you know my name…but I have to tell you this. I like you. I’ve liked you for a really long time. For the past year and a half I have been utterly infatuated with you. I know that you’re engaged…and it probably doesn’t make a difference to you at all…you probably don’t even care…but I do. And I just thought you should know…..oh and hey…just because you’re getting married doesn’t mean you have to be grown up now…you’ve been a kid this long…it’d be shame to grow up now.” Something like that. And then I would majestically walk out and he’d either stop and say something…anything–or he’d watch me go and not give it a second thought. My biggest fear in this situation isn’t actually saying those things to him…it would be his reaction…reaction one would be preferable…anything he could say…even “I’m sorry…but I’m engaged…and I’m in love with her…” would feel more comforting than reaction two…he watches me leave and that is it…we are no more…for the rest of our lives I’ll wonder what could have been if only he hadn’t been engaged. I should do this though. No regrets. If I don’t tell him then I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. Forever.” (7/23/04)
So here’s to no regrets. Ever. I hope you are happy, Paul. And I take comfort in the fact that if you don’t hunt me down, we probably won’t see each other again. And if I don’t see you, or hear from you, then I’ll take that to mean you’re happy. I hope you are forever.
Truly,
Katie
PS- Do you remember watching me dance in the rain on the 4th of July a year ago, with my friend? I think about it every time it rains.
Driving in the sun
Looking out for #1
California here we come
Right back where we started from
Hustlers grab your guns
Your shadow weighs a ton
Driving down the 101
California here we come
Right back where we started from
California!
Here we come!
On the stereo
Listen as we go
Nothing’s gonna stop me now
California here we come
Right back where we started from
Pedal to the floor
Thinkin’ of the roar
Gotta get us to the shore
California here we come
Right back where we started from
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